geek2geek

This tip comes by way of Andy Lester. He pointed out a blog about the book “Brazen Careerist“. From what I’ve read so far, it is most brazenly careerist in a sort of greasy saleman sort of way, but Andy found one bit particularly useful. It’s a social exercise.

Count how many times you interrupt someone.

If you ask a sales guy why they are good at sales, they always say they are good listeners. And then, in fact, they display those skills during the flight.

I am not a good listener. I spend the flight hearing myself interrupt. Constantly.

It sounds like a moment that is bad for my emotional intelligence work, but really, it’s good. It’s good because it allows me to go to the next step, which is asking myself why I am so reluctant to wait to hear what someone has to say. That’s where I am now - asking myself that.

People say I’m a good listener. Sometimes I am, sometimes I’m not. I’ve caught myself constantly interrupting someone, especially in a heated technical conversation. Even when I realize what I’m doing I’m strangely compelled to continue. Part of it is being caught up in the heat of the argument (note, not discussion, argument) and wanting to pick at any point of weakness. Part is that engineer’s mentality to want to correct people before they waste any more time doing it the wrong way, even to the point of talking about it.

It is a source of prejudice. Whether you mean it or not, cutting people off before they’ve completed their thought means you’ve heard all you need to hear on the subject. You’ve already formed your opinion. The rest does not matter. I’m not saying it is prejudiced, but by cutting things off early you don’t hear the whole story and fill in the rest with your own prior experiences.

Sometimes I interrupt because if I don’t blurt out what I have to say I’ll forget it in the rush of nine other things I want to say. If I try to hold it all in my head I can’t listen as well. To clear things up, I’ll take the simple expedient of writing down little reminder notes — on a scrap of paper or even on my hand — and then come back to it later. When the current thread runs down I will “pop the conversation stack” back to some interesting point that didn’t get explored before.

When it happens I realize I’m heating up the conversation, pressuring the other person to talk faster, respond faster and both of us to think less and react more which leads to emotional reactions rather than considered opinion. Once you’re at that point, nobody’s going to change their mind. You’re arguing.

As I’ve mentioned a few times on this blog, the biggest problem is realizing what the problem is. Becoming consciously aware of your ingrained behaviors. Then you can think about them and do something about it.

Count your interruptions. Maybe, when you get the urge to interrupt, count to 5 and see if it’s still there. Give your brain a chance to engage before your mouth does.